Imperfect

I just got home from Riverdance. It was an incredible show. The dancing was out of this world. I fell head-over-heels in love with the fiddler. And I will be lucky if I manage to sleep at all tonight as I can't seem to keep my legs still. There are a lot of things that I thought I would take away from the Riverdance performance that I did. The music. The beat. The incredible rhythm that those dancers have in their feet. The infectious energy...

One thing I did not expect to take away from it was a lesson in following your heart no matter what. At one point in the performance I noticed that one of the male dancers only had one hand. He was a spectacular dancer, and it was so unnoticeable that I am sure nobody else saw it, but having noticed it, I found my eyes drawn back to him again and again throughout the performance, thinking to myself: "wow. That man has what many would consider to be a physical disability yet he is up there dancing with some of the most accomplished dancers in the world. Wait --he IS one of the most accomplished dancers in the world."

There are so many things that keep us from accomplishing our goals in life. Our fears. Our self-criticism or judgment. And yet people do incredible things every day despite their handicaps. For some people, like the dancer tonight, it is a physical limitation that can (if we let it) prevent us from pursuing our dreams. For others, like me, it is a mental limitation that we impose upon ourselves. Ultimately it is all the same thing, though. Letting things get in the way. Allowing life's little challenges to prevent us from accomplishing something really big. Something that might bring us joy.

What's up with that, friends? Why do we think that our own human imperfections are an impediment to happiness or success? Is it because the media is telling us that to be happy or successful, we have to be perfect? Is it messages we are imposing upon ourselves and our own lives? A combination of the two? I do not have the answer here. I'm just saying that the dancer up there on that stage spinning his partner and stomping to the beat IS ON TO SOMETHING. Thinking that we deserve any less happiness or success than anyone else simply because we are not perfect really makes no sense. I mean, what beauty is there is perfection? And if others are succeeding with their imperfections, why are some of us still holding happiness or success at bay until we have acquired enough perfection to achieve our goals? I'm telling you, friends, this is something that bears some looking at, wouldn't you say?

For everything there is a sign

"O SON OF MAN! For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials." Baha'u'llah, The Hidden Words

A friend read this Hidden Word to me on Tuesday. We were talking about how to move through periods of life that are challenging with grace, commitment, determination, faith and joy. Everyone who has ever tried to do anything that is the least bit risky in life has gone through periods of tests and challenges, but usually when we read about these moments they are within the context of a larger story that ends in triumph. A best-seller, a movie....you know what I mean. The stories that inspire us to keep going when life is throwing massive tests in our direction are usually the ones from people who have already pushed on through and come out triumphant. We do not so often come across stories of what life was like for these people when they were in the middle of those tough times, and I'm thinking that is because when they were there, very few of them were certain they would triumph in the end.

I was reading a blog entry today by Yaro Starak. The title of the entry was 'How to remain productive when you feel like giving up.' You can read it here. I thought this article was good because although Yaro has made a successful business out of his blogging and helping others to be successful bloggers, he very clearly went through some tough times getting there, and is very honest about how hard you have to work to succeed as an entrepreneur.

I am very definitely in the phase of developing my business (which is writing) where I feel discouraged a lot. Unlike a few months ago, it is not that I am not getting any writing jobs. It's that the number of writing jobs I am getting is not growing fast enough to support me yet. I say yet because despite feeling discouraged, I recognize deep down that I do not actually want to give up. That this is my passion and my gift, and that I have to keep trying. I believe that I will succeed. I just wish it would happen a little faster!!

Over the last few weeks I have gone from writing only for myself to writing a minimum of two travel articles a month, at least one tea description a month for a small tea company, and at least one or two other articles a month for various companies. Today my first printed piece was published in the Sacramento Natural Foods Co-op quarterly paper. Yesterday one of my travel articles was published online at Bootsnall, and I was contacted by a company that markets handcrafted food products and is looking for writers a couple of days ago. Compared with two months ago, I am actually making a lot of progress. But it is slow going, and there is a steep learning curve. I know how to research, and I consider myself a relatively strong writer, but I have never had to write under time constraints. Researching and writing the quality of writing that I know I am capable of in a short period of time is a learned skill, and one that I am very much immersed in at the moment. Because I am working as a freelancer, I have to constantly be scoping out future article ideas and sending off pitches, which in itself is time-consuming. There is a lot to think about, and none of it is second-nature to me at this early point in my career.

There is a distinction for me between the idea of being patient, and the how one actually ACTIVELY practices patience, because while accepting that I need to be patient is one thing, coming up with practical ways to do this that do not involve just sitting back and waiting for something to magically happen is another thing entirely. When I am discouraged, it feels like the weight of the world is hanging over me, and motivating myself to get going can sometimes take a hell of a lot of energy. Coming up with practical things I can do when I hit that wall is helpful. I know I will get where I want to be eventually, but right now I am down here in the valley of hard work and struggle, with very little reward for all my hard work, so what I need is a what to do list for the days when the going gets tough.

One of the things in Yaro's article that stuck out to me was the question "what can you create today?" I like the idea of asking myself this question because when I am struggling to get past a threshold, taking on huge projects is hard. Putting this question in front of me is much more doable. It does not have to be big, but it has to be moving me towards my goal. Any small act of creativity will do to help get me over that blip in the road until I am speeding along again full-force.

I decided to put it into practice today. Despite all the great things that I have going on with my writing this week, today was a blip day. The reason for the blip was that most of my friends back in Canada are all hanging out at a very cool camp in the forest this weekend, and I would really, really like to be there with them. But since my salary is practically non-existent at the moment, I will probably not be traveling at all this summer, let alone taking to the skies to join friends in Canada. I was sitting at my desk this morning and thought to myself: OK. You have to do SOMETHING. Or, as Yaro would say, "What can I create today?"

What I created was a lovely description for the tea company I write for, and this blog entry. I had committed to researching and writing one tea description a week, and pulling myself together and creating this little description helped me to make my goal. I had also been meaning to re-commit myself to my blog as I have been noticing that as I write more and more for others, I seem to be doing less of it on my own blog. As I finish writing this entry my father arrives home all excited with the newly printed Co-Op Reporter. True to their word, they did indeed give me a full page article. And an email just came in from the National Holocaust Museum with some excellent news about contacts for the research I am doing for my novel. I'd say it is working. :-)

So word from the trenches is to keep slugging away troops. Get up. Get moving, and take a step forward, even if it is only an inch. I am starting an official list of ways to keep moving. I now have number one thanks to Yaro.

Happy Friday people. And if you are stuck, remember to ask yourself "What can I create today?" and go for it. Let me know how it goes. And if you have other suggestions for my list, please give me a holler.

An illogical conclusion

A friend of mine came over to visit today with her gorgeous 4 month old son. The sun had finally come out, and so we sat in the back garden barefoot beneath the shade of the Japanese Maple sipping our drinks, munching on Green & Black's white chocolate, and talking about a number of things -- all while enjoying her son's gorgeous, radiant face and happy laughter.

One of the things we talked about was winning. I have been noticing an interesting pattern emerging in my life over the last few months. As most of you know, I won a trip to the Dominican Republic to build a drinking water system in an organic cocoa-farming community at the end of March. Then a couple of weeks ago I entered a draw on my favourite blog, Chookooloonks, and won a hand made Kenyan scarf. And then this week I came across a blog written by another adventurous spirit, Bahieh K, who was doing a giveaway of SKY's recently released awesome new CD "Now,"and I just got an email yesterday that it was my lucky day! I won that too! Given that I have been looking for full time work now for a year with very little success, it is incredible to me that I have won three amazingly beautiful things/experiences in just four months. I was recounting my excitement over having won SKY's CD to my friend, and she said "yeah -- I noticed that you were doing a chocolate giveaway on your blog about a week ago, but I didn't enter because I didn't think I would win." Hearing her say this struck a chord with me, and I felt a whole bunch of dots suddenly connect.

The truth of the matter is that up until recently, I rarely entered giveaways, and the reason was that I did not think there was any chance of my winning. Why? Because I have rarely won anything in my life. Why? Because I have rarely entered to win anything. Not because I have entered to win over and over and over and been unsuccessful. Because I never even gave myself a chance to win. So really I have no logical reason to think that I would be unsuccessful. In reality, the few times I have applied for things, I have actually been very successful. I applied to college and got in. I applied to art school and got in (and did not go). My application to law school was successful -- again, I decided to not go -- but I did get in. I was also accepted to an MFA program in creative writing which I chose to not pursue in order to enroll in a Master's program in Island Studies at the University of Prince Edward Island. I wrote a UNDP grant application while I was in graduate school to go do research on a Mediterranean island, and it was funded. I wrote two more grant applications, both of which were also funded. I won an award for my Master's thesis. I could go on, but I think I have made my point.

I write with two other women writers two days a week. Both of them were telling me about their successes with their creative projects this week -- Ahava Shira had applied for two separate grants to fund her creative, collaborative, community-based arts projects, and had just received news that both of them had just been funded, and Daniela Elza recently published a book and completed her PhD, AND sent off a manuscript of her poetry to a publisher. Listening to them, and reflecting on my own experiences lately that challenge my previous assumptions that I do not win anything has made me think it is time to start expanding my success with winning to some other areas of my life. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am currently reading the novel The Tiger's Wife, by Tea Obrecht. Tea is only 26 years old, and her first novel has just made the cover of the NY Times. As I read, I have been asking myself how she accomplished this at such a young age, and at the same time finding myself thinking -- you could do this, you know. Not the same way she is doing it of course, but in your own unique way. Sure it would take a lot of work, and you need to practice your craft and hone your writing technique....but the truth is that when I hear that other voice that always has an answer that shoots me back down whenever I start to dream about accomplishing a dream, it has no logical foundation. How would I know whether any novel/poetry manuscript I write would not be successful when I have not ever even tried to get anything published? I sent off exactly two other article proposals to travel magazines before I had my recent article about voluntourism published at Bootsnall. And I am now working on a second article for them that will be published in July. So if the two positive responses I have received are any indication, I would have to say that at this point the only thing standing between me and publishing my writing is my own lack of initiative.

Which reminds me of a poem I used to have up on the wall in my kitchen by Marianne Williamson that I really need to get back up on that wall, which says:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
_________________________________________________

When I think about it, I know I would never have entered the draw to win the Kenyan scarf if I had not won that trip in March. I would probably not have entered to win the CD either. But I am learning a rather obvious (in retrospect) lesson -- that the more I apply for, the more often I succeed (and just for the record, out of the 25 people who read my chocolate giveaway blog entry, only two people entered the draw to win a large stash of really, really good chocolate, so your chances of winning were incredibly high). I have entered to win a number of other things this year that I have not won, but even the things I didn't win led me to connect with new people and enlarge my community. Shortly after returning from the Dominican Republic, I entered a draw for two female bloggers to go to Kenya to write about a water project that was to bring water safely into a community, so that the local women did not have to walk all the way to the water source through areas that posed a threat to their physical safety. I did not win that trip (but you should check out the work of the two incredible women (Rachel Cernansky and Tonyin Ajao) who did, here), but about a month later I received an invitation to join a community of women bloggers composed of all the amazingly talented women around the world who had applied for this trip, and I have been exchanging ideas, thoughts and information with them ever since, enriching my own writing, building relationships with fellow female bloggers, and introducing me to an endless supply of inspiration and encouragement. So I guess I won something there too, after all, eh? 

It seems to me that the biggest difference between the writers who become best selling authors, or the business owners who succeed, or the ___________________ (fill in the blank here) who become international successes and those of us who do not is the willingness to try. My grandfather used to say that "the right angle to use when attempting to solve a difficult problem is the try angle." I give you full permission to roll your eyes at that one -- I did it every. single. time. he said it -- I have no idea where he got that from, but he may just have had a point.

Next time you come across something that sounds like fun, but you think "what are the chances that I will win/be selected/be nominated/succeed," why don't you just give it a try? Just for a change. Just to see what happens. Oh -- and please jot me a note if you do. I am really interested in hearing what the outcome is!

Have a great Thursday, people!

Willing to Not Know

This last week I made a big decision. I decided that I am going to give myself a chance to write. This is no small feat, having been unemployed for going on nine months now. There are things I want to do: like attend friends’ weddings; travel to Iceland, Central and South America, China, and Japan; go out to delicious, colourful meals with friends and family; yoga classes. The list is endless, and it all costs money which I am not, in this precise moment, actually earning.

Talking to close friends over the last few weeks, it seems like we all come to places in life where, although at some level we know with absolute certainty that this is just a finite low period in our lives, we ask ourselves where we are headed? What are we intended to do with our lives? What purpose do our lives have? Ultimately all of these questions lead me to the question: how is my life of value to the world?

I don’t know about you, but I know when I am in a space where these questions are spinning in my head and unsettled in my heart, the silent answer that I never give voice to because I generally would rather people not know is “none.” It’s not that I actually think that I am not of value as a member of the human race. It’s just that for brief windows of time I seem to be momentarily unable to see the larger picture – how this valley fits into the mountain range of life.

I was reading a book this past week. It is called My Grandfather’s Blessings. It is written by Rachel Naomi Remen, who is a physician with a remarkable gift for looking through whatever might be momentarily obscuring a person’s innate spiritual truth and identifying and nurturing the gems that lie hidden within that individual’s soul. Fortunately, in addition to working with individuals, Rachel is also a master story-teller, and she recognizes the power of sharing the stories of the many miraculous lives that have rubbed up against her own over the years with the rest of us. You know how when you meet a truly remarkable person, and their story inspires you to push onwards on your own journey? Well her book is infused with story after story of inspiring lives lived with integrity, passion and courage.

I had lunch yesterday with one of my best friends. Like most of my friends, who want to see me happy and feeling like a valuable member of society again, she was asking if I had found work yet. I explained to her that I was trying to give myself a chance to explore my writing as a career. She suggested I get a part time job to supplement my income while I do this. She also explained that if I told someone in India or China that I was taking time to figure out what I wanted to dedicate my life’s energies to – to explore work that is a natural expression of who I am instead of pouring my energy into work that fits the mould of what others would deem acceptable or successful for a woman with my background and abilities – that they would shake their head and say I must be a spoiled brat. I was shocked. Not that someone would think this way, because I recognize that for those who are just trying to put food on the table for their families, following your heart is usually not a priority. I was shocked that she would share this with me because she had been told this by an elderly woman in China as a young woman when she was trying to figure out her own path in life. But I think that I was most shocked because her comment gave voice to a silent question that hangs over my head every day: what right do I have to follow my heart and find work that I love when so many people around me are struggling? And what makes me think that I will have anything of value to say that people will actually want to read?

I have a nagging suspicion that I am not the first writer to ask myself if I really have anything to say that has not already been said, and said better than I could ever say it. Still, part of what makes the illusion of being in an endless valley of uncertainty so hard, is that when you are in it, it feels like you are there alone, and that you are the only person ever to confront your own purpose in life in this way.

Thankfully, we all have friends who are more than happy to shatter the illusion that nobody else has ever wondered what their purpose in life is. And we have books that share the stories and dreams of other people, who just like you and I, went through periods where they were standing on a cliff trying to decide whether it would be better to remain on the cliff enjoying the view that they knew was certain or to leap off into the unknown, hoping that the act of faith they were taking by leaping would induce wings to grow in the place where none had existed before. As Ruth Naomi Remen says, “sometimes someone dreams a dream for us all.”

People ask me whether I think there is a market for what I have to say. I feel myself getting defensive, and then I realize that it is a valid question coming from a society where we are taught over and over that only certain forms of expression are valuable. When I look back through my still relatively short life, there is not one person I have come into contact with who has not had something of value to share, and more often than not those friends and acquaintances who have not inspired me in some specific way are simply those who I have not listened to. If I gave them my time and my focus, I feel quite certain they would have stories that would move me, inspire me, make me feel something that I did not feel before.

One of the stories that moved me in Rachel Naomi Remen’s book is about an epiphany she had once while walking through a labyrinth. Last fall a friend of mine did a one-day workshop on the life of the soul. She had us all drive out to a beautiful remote area on the north shore of Prince Edward Island. The beach was endless and open, the waves were crashing on the shore, white and frothy, the water itself the colour of grey pearls. The air was salty. Behind the beach were tall sand dunes and behind them a scrubland of wild rosehip bushes covered in ruby coloured rosehips. Behind the bushes was a stand of evergreen trees through which wove an intricate network of walking paths. My friend explained to everyone present that we were going to walk silently through the forest in a sort of walking meditation. Our walk would end at a labyrinth made of shells collected from the beach. We would stand silently around the labyrinth and then slowly and silently walk it, leaving a space of a few minutes between us so that while we were having a collective experience in that we were doing it together, we were also very much on an individual journey with plenty of space for personal thoughts, prayer and reflection. 

I have to admit that I had my uncertainties about it when she explained what we were going to do. I had not expected any such activity when I agreed to attend her workshop. But I decided to open myself to the moment, and found it to be a deep and profoundly moving experience. 

My own experience made Rachel Naomi Remen’s insights more profound. She explains that when you walk into a labyrinth, you seem to be headed right towards the centre, when in reality you are as far from the centre as you could possibly be. And that right before you reach the centre, you are actually walking near the outermost edge of the labyrinth. Her epiphany was that although many times in life it had seemed that she was headed in what seemed to be a random direction, perhaps every step had in fact been very purposefully headed toward the centre. Perhaps, she says, the times that seem to be meaningless or wasteful only seem random because she is still on her path, and that one day, when she is at the centre point, looking outwards, she will realize that the perspective afforded by being at the end of life might completely alter the value and meaning of every one of her life’s experiences.

I was talking to a friend on the phone today back in Canada who also feels as though she is walking through a valley right now. She was with me when I walked that labyrinth back on Prince Edward Island so I shared Rachel Naomi Remen’s story with her. She told me that it resonated with her, and reminded her of something her mother had shared with her once: “Be completely present in whatever moment you are living, and enjoy that moment.” She explained that it was easier to do this when her kids were young and at home. That she enjoyed being a mother. But presence is harder for her now that her kids are married and living on the opposite side of the world. We agreed that presence always seems easier in the past than it is in the present. She and I are in different places in life, but our dream of finding joy, purpose and acceptance in the present moment is shared.

Some of us are better at giving ourselves permission to pursue and succeed at what we love. For some of us, giving ourselves permission to follow our hearts takes practice. Rachel Naomi Remen says that “wisdom comes most easily to those who have the courage to embrace life without judgement and are willing to not know, sometimes for a long time.”

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. In California the leaves are still green, the cool breeze blowing through the oaks the only sign that we are finally moving into fall. I woke up this morning grasping for something to move me into this day, and am ending it feeling grateful for many friends that enrich my life. Friends that question, reflect, remind me to laugh and look to the natural world for wonder and awe and healing. And friends that believe in me when I am in a valley. I am also thankful for words and letters. For the gift of writing. And for the recognition that I am one of those who is going to have to learn how to give myself permission to pursue my dreams. And to succeed.