A little compassion

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there." ~Rumi 

The Rumi quote above was one shared with us at the yoga class in the park that I do every Saturday morning. It is interesting how certain quotes speak to us at particular times. When my yoga teacher shared this with us it did not really resonate with me at all. But tonight the words came back to me, and they seemed perfect for this blog entry. I am practicing compassion tonight, you see. Compassion for myself, that is. It has been an incredibly hard day. I still do not have full time work after all my hard work to find a job. Establishing myself as a freelance writer is some of the hardest and (thus far) economically unsustainable things I have ever done. No matter how hard I try, I feel like a black sheep in a very white flock here in California. I have reached the farthest limits of my capacity to live with my parents, and I am ready to have a vehicle again so that I do not have to depend on rides or borrow a car every time I need to go somewhere. My Monday was one I am very grateful is over. 

 I reached the end of the day feeling at my wits end, with no brilliant ideas of how to remedy my situation because I do not have the resources to move right now. I even wrote a blog entry (not this one) which I promptly deleted upon completing it because, frankly, who wants to read about another person's struggles when each of us already has so many of our own? Then I read my friend Sharon's blog entry, which is all about what a rough time she is having right now, and how she is dealing with it, and finding ways to practice compassion with herself, and suddenly my black day got ever-so-slightly less bleak. Let me me clear: I do not take pleasure in other people's misfortunes. But I realized that her willingness to be vulnerable to the world and share the hard things she is going through as well as the good things makes her far more easy to relate to. It also reassures me that I am not the only black sheep out here who feels like her life is coming apart at the seams.

We live in a world where the media is always showing us images of happy, beautiful people with flawless skin and designer clothes. Where the only emotions that are acceptable in public are happiness, excitement, joy, enthusiasm, etc. Periods of sadness or loss locked up behind closed doors. But in reality life is about the happy times and the sad times. Every low means there is a another hill ahead, and every hill is followed by a valley. So why did I delete my first blog entry tonight? Why do we censor some of our most profound moments of being human? Why do we pretend that we are doing great when in reality we could really use a good chat with a close friend or to have someone call and cheer us up? Why are periods of sadness or struggle looked down upon as blemishes in our lives--as something we feel we need to hide?

I was visiting with my mother's best friend Cheryl the other day on our seven hour drive down to L.A. I was telling her about my attempts to find work in the United States this year, and how discouraged I am feeling right now. She listened a long time, and when I was done venting, she smiled, and said "I think this is good for you." "What is good for me?" I asked her. "These tough times in your life," she said. I asked her to elaborate, and she said "I've always thought that people who have never experienced real hardship in their lives lack a certain degree of depth that those who have confronted tests and struggled through them seem to have." Cheryl has had many long and hard tests in her life, and is one of the happiest and most optimistic people I know, so any thoughts she has to share on the subject of tests I always listen to carefully.

Reflecting on both Sharon's blog entry and Cheryl's thoughts on the matter has brought me to the conclusion that human beings are vast, beautiful and powerful landscapes which pass through many seasons, and that sharing only some of these landscapes and seasons undermines the resilience of what makes us as human beings so distinct -- our spirit or soul. Tough times are good for the soul. So to glaze over them and only write about the good times gives a false impression of who we are and how we came to be where we are in our lives. When I read other people's blogs I am curious how this person became who they are, with their distinctive qualities and strengths. Knowing that they had to get through hard times to get where they are makes them feel more human -- I can relate to them better as a reader. 

So anyway, getting back to compassion....after reading Sharon's blog post I decided to get away from the job hunting sites that I have been staring at numbly all day long, light some candles, fill the bathtub, pour in some essential oils, and take care of myself a little. Invite my mind to stop spinning endless stories of when and how and where and how much longer, and just inhale the warm air, rest my eyes and breathe. It took a very long time to convince my mind to let go, but when I finally stepped out of the bath tonight I felt about fifty pounds lighter, and after I had rubbed tingly peppermint lotion on my feet I felt even better. It is getting later now and I think maybe time for a hot cup of tea. There is a lovely cool breeze coming in the window.  Being compassionate with myself does not take the tough times away, but they do help me to stay hopeful and positive. How do you treat yourself with compassion?

For everything there is a sign

"O SON OF MAN! For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials." Baha'u'llah, The Hidden Words

A friend read this Hidden Word to me on Tuesday. We were talking about how to move through periods of life that are challenging with grace, commitment, determination, faith and joy. Everyone who has ever tried to do anything that is the least bit risky in life has gone through periods of tests and challenges, but usually when we read about these moments they are within the context of a larger story that ends in triumph. A best-seller, a movie....you know what I mean. The stories that inspire us to keep going when life is throwing massive tests in our direction are usually the ones from people who have already pushed on through and come out triumphant. We do not so often come across stories of what life was like for these people when they were in the middle of those tough times, and I'm thinking that is because when they were there, very few of them were certain they would triumph in the end.

I was reading a blog entry today by Yaro Starak. The title of the entry was 'How to remain productive when you feel like giving up.' You can read it here. I thought this article was good because although Yaro has made a successful business out of his blogging and helping others to be successful bloggers, he very clearly went through some tough times getting there, and is very honest about how hard you have to work to succeed as an entrepreneur.

I am very definitely in the phase of developing my business (which is writing) where I feel discouraged a lot. Unlike a few months ago, it is not that I am not getting any writing jobs. It's that the number of writing jobs I am getting is not growing fast enough to support me yet. I say yet because despite feeling discouraged, I recognize deep down that I do not actually want to give up. That this is my passion and my gift, and that I have to keep trying. I believe that I will succeed. I just wish it would happen a little faster!!

Over the last few weeks I have gone from writing only for myself to writing a minimum of two travel articles a month, at least one tea description a month for a small tea company, and at least one or two other articles a month for various companies. Today my first printed piece was published in the Sacramento Natural Foods Co-op quarterly paper. Yesterday one of my travel articles was published online at Bootsnall, and I was contacted by a company that markets handcrafted food products and is looking for writers a couple of days ago. Compared with two months ago, I am actually making a lot of progress. But it is slow going, and there is a steep learning curve. I know how to research, and I consider myself a relatively strong writer, but I have never had to write under time constraints. Researching and writing the quality of writing that I know I am capable of in a short period of time is a learned skill, and one that I am very much immersed in at the moment. Because I am working as a freelancer, I have to constantly be scoping out future article ideas and sending off pitches, which in itself is time-consuming. There is a lot to think about, and none of it is second-nature to me at this early point in my career.

There is a distinction for me between the idea of being patient, and the how one actually ACTIVELY practices patience, because while accepting that I need to be patient is one thing, coming up with practical ways to do this that do not involve just sitting back and waiting for something to magically happen is another thing entirely. When I am discouraged, it feels like the weight of the world is hanging over me, and motivating myself to get going can sometimes take a hell of a lot of energy. Coming up with practical things I can do when I hit that wall is helpful. I know I will get where I want to be eventually, but right now I am down here in the valley of hard work and struggle, with very little reward for all my hard work, so what I need is a what to do list for the days when the going gets tough.

One of the things in Yaro's article that stuck out to me was the question "what can you create today?" I like the idea of asking myself this question because when I am struggling to get past a threshold, taking on huge projects is hard. Putting this question in front of me is much more doable. It does not have to be big, but it has to be moving me towards my goal. Any small act of creativity will do to help get me over that blip in the road until I am speeding along again full-force.

I decided to put it into practice today. Despite all the great things that I have going on with my writing this week, today was a blip day. The reason for the blip was that most of my friends back in Canada are all hanging out at a very cool camp in the forest this weekend, and I would really, really like to be there with them. But since my salary is practically non-existent at the moment, I will probably not be traveling at all this summer, let alone taking to the skies to join friends in Canada. I was sitting at my desk this morning and thought to myself: OK. You have to do SOMETHING. Or, as Yaro would say, "What can I create today?"

What I created was a lovely description for the tea company I write for, and this blog entry. I had committed to researching and writing one tea description a week, and pulling myself together and creating this little description helped me to make my goal. I had also been meaning to re-commit myself to my blog as I have been noticing that as I write more and more for others, I seem to be doing less of it on my own blog. As I finish writing this entry my father arrives home all excited with the newly printed Co-Op Reporter. True to their word, they did indeed give me a full page article. And an email just came in from the National Holocaust Museum with some excellent news about contacts for the research I am doing for my novel. I'd say it is working. :-)

So word from the trenches is to keep slugging away troops. Get up. Get moving, and take a step forward, even if it is only an inch. I am starting an official list of ways to keep moving. I now have number one thanks to Yaro.

Happy Friday people. And if you are stuck, remember to ask yourself "What can I create today?" and go for it. Let me know how it goes. And if you have other suggestions for my list, please give me a holler.

Iron into steel

"...those who journey in the garden land of knowledge, because they see the end in the beginning see peace in war and friendliness in anger." -Baha'u'llah, Seven Valleys and the four Valleys

I am contemplating the Valley of Knowledge. The Valley of Knowledge is one of seven valleys in a book called 'The Seven Valleys and the Four Valleys,' written by Baha'u'llah. It is a mystical story about the stages the the soul passes through as it grows through life. I have been thinking about the Valley of Knowledge because I think I may be in it right now. In fact I am pretty sure I am in this valley. I know this because this valley is all about being able to see the end in the beginning. Being able to recognize that everything that happens in life is happening for a reason, and that instead of complaining and cursing tests, I should not only welcome them, I should actually be blessing their arrival at the time I am actually experience them.

I have come a long way over the last year. There have been many tests. Tiny tests in the grand scheme of things, really, but for me they were really, really huge. The first few I feel like I was being dragged through kicking and screaming. The next few I may have moved through on my own feet, but I am pretty sure I was stomping and cursing as I went. The last few tests have been about letting go of people and things that I love deeply, and these tests have been associated with a lot of sadness. It has been a bit of a roller-coaster ride, to be honest, and I have been through so many ups and downs that I KNOW there are more to come. But I am slowly....ever so slowly learning to find joy and beauty in the valleys, and to move forward with the knowledge that the tough times, just like the peaks and celebrations in life, are only temporary. To embrace change and growth gracefully.

It is really tough to stay cool in the valleys of life. Easier to look back down on them from the side of a hill or a mountain top and say: "now that was a just a temporary valley." But the true growth comes not from being able to look back and realize the purpose of tests, but to be grateful for them when they are actually happening.

I have a very good friend who I have written about so many times over the last year in this blog, for many reasons, none of which can be mentioned without mentioning all the others. Pascale moved back to her hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand this past Fall. She had been living in Japan for a number of years, and was ready to move home and establish her own personal training business. Pascale arrived in New Zealand, got her business website going, made up business cards, and started working just before a massive earthquake hit Christchurch. You may remember hearing about it, or seeing it in the news. Pascale was living with her parents at the time, and one wall of their house collapsed onto their next-door neighbour's car during the earthquake. The house was so badly damaged that the family was forced to abandon it, and move in with Pascale's brother, his wife, and their two children. I don't know if you have been keeping up with the news, but Christchurch has been experiencing aftershocks and tremors ever since February, pretty much non-stop. They have had thousands of smaller tremors since the major quake that destroyed so many peoples' homes. Then, this Monday, they had two more larger quakes. Since the last quake, Pascale and her parents had moved into a tiny apartment, leaving her brother and his family to enjoy their small home. But Monday's fire shook the microwave in her brother's apartment off of the wall and onto the stove, where it short-circuited, starting a fire that spread to other areas of the house, damaging it badly. As a result of the damage, Pascale's brother and his family ended up having to move out of their apartment, and move back in with Pascale and her parents in their new small two-room apartment.

If this sounds a bit tumultuous to you, then you would understand if the Battrick family were feeling a bit discouraged right about now. Maybe a little frustrated with all the moving and losing of belongings, and the upheaval, over and over, disruption of work and school, and the lack of privacy that living in such small quarters with seven people implies.

What you would probably not expect is what I have seen as I watch Pascale and her family confront the tests that these disasters have thrown at them, over and over in the last five months, which is courage, unity, compassion, kindness, generosity, an attitude of service, and a tremendous amount of laughter. Yes, laughter. The Battrick family has been laughing and making others laugh all the way through their tests and challenges. When they evacuated their home back in the winter, carrying only what they could fit in a wheelbarrow, they filmed the whole process, and the humour in having to carrying everything of value out of their home in a wheelbarrow. Pascale went back to the old house not to try to salvage belongings, but to feed the ducks in the creek next to their house. She went on to cook and bake for her neighbours, friends who were experiencing equally difficult times, and volunteers who were helping with the cleanup effort; to make tea to cheer people up, and to offer free personal training sessions to lift the spirits of her community.

I have thought that how they have handled, and continue to handle all of this, is incredible. To me it reflects a tremendous amount of faith in God, trust, patience, acceptance, and a deep recognition of the great bounty of tests to help us grow. Apparently, I am not the only one who has been impressed by the way that the Battricks have been handling their situation. This week a television crew turned up to interview the family. Impressed by how joyful they have remained throughout these many months of uncertainty, the anchorwoman was curious to know what was keeping Pascale's family from giving up, packing it in and moving elsewhere, or from becoming cynical about their situation.   

I could tell you what Pascale and her family had to say about how they have remained joyful and mutually supportive and hopeful no matter what transpires, but I would rather let you see for yourself, because I think their attitude toward tests has a lot to inspire and teach all of us. Here is my dear, radiant friend Pascal, and her unified and incredibly loving family, on Christchurch's daily news. I hope you are just as inspired as I am to keep working toward remaining focused on the larger picture. To learning to be grateful for tests, and continuing to focus outwards -- on serving others, and bringing joy into the lives of your family, friends and neighbours. Have a very joy-filled Thursday!