Rainy day

I was woken up this morning by the sound of the wind howling around the apartment building I am currently living in. I peeked through the curtains to see rain pelting the glass, melting snow, slush, and grey skies so solid you couldn't find a dot of blue if you used a magnifying glass. After a quick breakfast, some prayers to prepare for the next day of the Baha'i Fast, and a lovely hot shower I bundled up and headed out to catch the bus downtown. This morning I walked Chloe in the rain -- wearing a miniature raincoat! The two of us set out, spashing through puddles, slipping over thin layers of melting slush and ice, my hair blowing every which way. Her ears flapping. I had to smile at the two of us out there getting drenched in the rain.

Last night my friends did something incredible for me. They hosted a supper at their home, followed by a round of prayers to support me in my job-search efforts. Sitting in their warm living room surrounded by seven people all of whom I consider to be family rather than friends, I felt so humbled and moved by the fact that I have friends who care so deeply about my efforts to re-establish myself here on the island. After a delicious meal of hot curry and rice we sat and said some prayers. It is difficult to communicate how moving it is to sit in a room bathed in warm light and, with my eyes closed, and listen to the voices of my friends praying for my success in this process of finding full time work. Gratitude does not even begin to describe the feeling of having friends who love me so much that they are willing to take time out of their busy lives to come together and lend their spiritual energies to my enterprise.

After our prayers we enjoyed hot apple crisp dribbled with yoghurt and cups of tea while we shared stories and experiences from our lives, laughter, and our thoughts/hopes/desires for the days ahead.

The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult, and at the same time incredibly blessed. I still do not know how things will turn out, but I have this very definite certainty that I am in the right place, and that I need to just keep moving forward towards my goal, and that the pieces will eventually fall into place. This afternoon a friend who owns a tea company called to ask me if I would be willing to fill in for a sick employee at the farmer's market tomorrow! Making tea! I cannot wait! I get to go learn how to operate the machines this afternoon! This evening I will attend a youth group that I help facilitate. And tomorrow night I am babysitting a sweet two-year-old while his parents get to go out on a much-needed date! My social media work is continuing to go well. I am reading lots of books and taking webinars to continue improving my knowledge so that I can better serve my clients, and I am beginning to start contemplating my dream of owning a farm again. Yup. Life is good. Cannot wait for my tea-making lesson!

The abundance of hardship

I am writing from the public library in downtown Charlottetown on a very cold but gloriously sunny day. It is always amazing to me how we get where we are (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc)....I am on a tiny little island in the North Atlantic surrounded by snow and ice and feeling right at home. The reality of this is almost surreal!

Since I arrived on Prince Edward Island my computer has been very undependable, so I have decided that to keep it alive as long as I possibly can I am going to have to leave it at home during the day, using the computers at the library to do my social media work, job applications and writing until I save up enough to buy a new one. This means that I have to be strategic about what I do and when I do it. I found that initially this meant that I did not get much of my own creative writing done, but I am realizing that in the long-term it means that I just have to be better organized and more focused on getting my job applications and paid work done when I am in front of the computer so that I still have time left for my own creative writing and blogging.

This morning I woke before sunrise again. This is the sixth day of the Baha'i Fast, and, by some incredible blessing of the universe I am not only still healthy enough to Fast, I am actually feeling more joyful with each passing day. Hardship has a way of doing that somehow.

I was thinking as I walked downtown this morning to walk Chloe, the dog that I am currently taking care of, how many little blessings keep coming my way to keep me going. Last week it was the offer of this dog-walking job. This morning it was the request for me to babysit this weekend. And the response from one of the companies that I sent my resume to yesterday asking me to meet on Friday. And the response of another company to come by and speak with them next week even though they do not have any current openings. I am learning that even when meetings do not result in a job offer, the simple fact that I am meeting with people is an opportunity to learn, grow, and make new friends. Yesterday for example I attended an information session at a local hotel yesterday about doing an MBA at the university here. I have already done a Master's Degree in Island Studies, but with my interest in marketing and running my own business growing, I am kind of curious what it would be like to do an MBA. I am still not sure what I will not with this idea, but I am glad I went to the session. I not only met some great people, I also got to reflect on the idea of walking in a completely different direction for a while. It was refreshing!

Myself and three of the local youth in my community are in the process of organizing a screening of the documentary Education Under Fire. Education Under Fire is about the denial of access to higher education to Baha'i students and faculty in Iran. The situation there truly is very out of control, and thousands of young people are being deprived of their education and a future profession because of the descriminatory practices of the Iranian government. It is encouraging to see screening events sweeping across North American Campuses, and know that thousands of students will soon be standing alongside the young Baha'is of Iran, supporting them in their fight for access to education. As we were working on pulling the pieces together for our screening in Charlottetown last night, it was very inspiring to reflect on the fact that other groups are doing similar things all over the continent. To learn more about this exciting initiative and find out what action you can take in your community to speak out about access to education for Baha'i Iranian youth, visit the Education Under Fire website.

This afternoon I am taking part in a webinar on the new changes that are happening to Facebook at the end of the month, and how to use the new Facebook as a platform for marketing businesses. I am excited to be learning new skills that will help me to better serve my social media clients. This evening I will break the fast at the home of my dear friends Ann and Stephen. And tonight I will be attending the opening of a conference on the future of agriculture at the local farm centre.

Life is full and overflowing, friends. The universe, as a dear friend said to me in my kitchen back in California last summer, truly is abundant.

Back on track

It is the first day of a new week, and I am getting back on track with my blog. I usually do a gratitude entry on Mondays. Here is what I am feeling grateful for on this chilly Monday night:

1. I managed to raise my tired body from bed before sunrise for a fourth day in a row to observe the Baha'i fast this morning. Since I was 15 I have never managed to make it through the entire 19 days of the Baha'i fast without getting sick. My body does not handle it well, no matter how much my heart desires it. Every day I am able to rise before dawn and eat something and pray, and make it through the day without the first symptoms of getting sick I feel incredibly grateful. Each day of this fast is SUCH a blessing.

2. I caught the bus on my first try this morning. I got to the bus stop literally one minute before it passed, and it dropped me off about five blocks from where I needed to be. I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to be driven downtown instead of having to walk this morning!

3. I began my first dog-walking job this morning with a sweet 13 year old tiny little dog who is the cutest. I have never walked a dog this tiny. I have to keep turning around to be sure she is still attached to the leash she is so light. For the time-being I will be walking her every morning at 8.30am and twice a week again in the afternoon at 4. Things have been incredibly tough lately, and the tiny income from this dog-walking is SUCH a blessing right now. Walking Chloe is not only going to put food on my table, but it also makes me smile because I have never seen a dog more excited to be going on a walk. She literally goes crazy when I arrive at the door!

4. I lost an earring in the snow this morning. One of my favourite earrings made of coral and turquoise. I backtracked, looking in the snow, and ran into a complete stranger out walking her dog who asked me what I was doing. A few minutes later this same woman came running back down the sidewalk -- she had found my earring. Blessed or what?

5. This evening one of my best friends met me for supper downtown. We had a simple but delicious meal together after not having eaten all day long, and then walked home together beneath a big, crisp black sky, trekking across fields of snow and over sheets of ice, each step our boots sinking deep down, leaving a trail of footprints across the crusty snow. In the distance the lights of Charlottetown looked like Christmas lights. There is something timeless about walking across snowy fields at night here. It makes me feel like I have gone back in time somehow. I stopped at Honeylyn's house for some water before continuing on home over ice-slicked sidewalks crusted with salt and flooded with the futuristic ghostly light of the streetlamps, my breath expanding and diffusing into the air ahead of me, my heart pumping in my chest, cheeks and nose cold. I had a great, joyful evening, and was thinking how thankful I am for strong legs that can carry me such long distances when I do not have access to a car to get around in.

6. My bed. I am truly grateful for a bed to rest in tonight, so that I can rise refreshed tomorrow to embrace my fifth day of the Baha'i fast.

And you, friends? What are you grateful for on this Monday?

Wind, ramblings & a 2nd day of fasting

It is late Saturday night. I am sitting on the single bed in the apartment that I just moved into a couple of days ago. It is exceptionally quiet. Walking back into my bedroom tonight I feel a sense of relief to be entering a space that will probably remain the same for at least a couple of months. Since arriving on Prince Edward Island two months ago I have been moving back and forth between the homes of various friends -- trying to not overstay my welcome in any one place, just staying long enough to start remembering whether I should leave the toilet seat up or down, which burner on the stove I should not use, or which direction the cutlery should go into the dishwasher before I would move again and have to adjust my patterns to a new household. Don't get me wrong -- living with my friends has been awesome. Truly. Not only have a been staying in homes that are comfortable and cozy, filled with beautiful artwork, but I have gotten to come home at the end of every day and enjoy the company of people I love. But despite all of this, I have to say that it is nice to have my own space for a change -- even if it is almost completely empty.

The room that is currently home is bigger than any bedroom I have ever had before. One of my best friends loaned me a single bed, a table and a chair. I took a plastic box that I found in the cupboard and put it next to my bed as my bedside table, and another friend loaned me a little lamp. One end of the room is an enormous closet -- so big that I can literally get dressed inside of it (yes, I have tried). I arrived two days ago with one suitcase, a backpack, and a bag of food. It took me an hour to unpack my two pairs of jeans, one skirt, two dresses, four pairs of shoes, two sweaters, and ten shirts. Sitting on my bed looking around the room I feel a mixture of emotions: profound gratitude to the friend who asked her aunt if I could live in her spare bedroom for free for a couple of months while I continue to search for full-time work, and to her aunt who actually agreed; amazement that I am still here despite the reality that I have less money than I have ever had my entire life; disoriented in this large room with four white walls and almost no furniture; uncertainty about how I got here when only two months ago I was sitting in an overly-furnished room in my parents' home in northern California; and an equal amount of terror over my current reality and vulnerability, and deep-rooted certainty and faith that things are going exactly as they should be, and that I just need to put my trust in God and keep trying my hardest.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. I have stayed at five different houses; trekked through deep snow; been blown along the sidewalk by freezing wind; eaten meals in restaurants, homes, bars, and coffee houses; seen foxes running across a frozen river at dusk; woken to the sound of frozen rain against the glass of my windows; met with at least fifty different people and given them my resume; reverted to my legs as my primary mode of transportation; started helping with a youth group; contacted complete strangers about pet-sitting, babysitting, cleaning, and any other cash-making venture that I could come up with; watched every single one of my recently-arrived-on-the-island friends get interviews and job offers; started doing social media for Timothy's coffee house and Lobster on the Wharf for free; continued doing social media work for two other companies; created my own social media business website; studied books about social media marketing; been given so many people's house keys that I have to wade through fist-fulls of them to find the ones to my current apartment; gotten locked out of my current apartment because my new set of keys would not open my door and my friend's aunt was asleep in bed; developed a crush on a man who slept through what I had thought was going to be our first date; hosted my first musical devotional gathering; cooked supper for friends in many different houses; enjoyed many, many excellent cups of tea at the farmer's market in the company of awesome friends on Saturday morning after Saturday morning; learned to walk my friends' dogs and pick up (and discard) dog shit (an activity I had assured my friends years ago that I would NEVER engage in); made a snow angel; enjoyed many, many meals/coffee dates with people I love; had my bank balance fall below 30 dollars for the first time in my entire life; learned to love almond butter on toast; taken a bus from downtown out to the farm I used to work before dawn, on and spent the day baking gluten-free muffins with my former employer's mother in the farmhouse kitchen; destroyed almost every pair of shoes I brought here with me in the salty slush on the roads; read the book The Help. Read the book The Memory Keeper's Daughter. Lay in bed listening to the wind howling around the building (as I am tonight); wondered how I got back here and whether the universe is going to allow me to stay, or if every effort I make to find work here will end in another dead-end; wondered where I will go if I have to leave here at the end of April...and these are only SOME of the things that have happened in the past few weeks.

Today was the second day of the Baha'i Fast. I woke before dawn, ate almond butter toast and sat in the silence of the half-light before sunrise praying and reading from the Baha'i writings before deciding to go back to bed for a couple more hours. I am trying to remain present and conscious of the preciousness of these days i am immersed in. Spiritually the fast is, according to the Baha'i writings, generating power that will be reverberating through my life for the entire rest of the year. It is hard to remember that every hour has a special significance, but when I do it helps me to slow down and be aware of how precious every moment of these 19 days of fasting is. I have always thought of the Fast as being from sunrise til sunset, but this Fast I am realising that even the hours when I am eating during this period count as part of the Fast. Even sitting here now typing with the wind howling outside I am trying to be aware of the significance of this night, this hour, and that I will be up again in six hours preparing for another day of Fasting. 

It is almost midnight, and time to get some rest before the third dawn of the Fast. Outside wind pressing around the building. In here the sound of my fingers moving across the keys, my own breathing, the creak of floor boards as someone walks across the floor above.

Fasting & Interconnectedness

I woke this morning to the first day of the Baha'i 19-day fast. Woke before sunrise to eat and drink and sit in silence and pray and read from the Baha'i writings before I begin my day. I have now begun my first day of fasting. For the next 19 days I will be abstaining from food and drink from sunrise til sunset, and using this time to reflect on my relationship with God, how I can better serve hu...manity, and how I can grow spiritually. This is such a precious time for me as a Baha'i-- a time of prayer, reflection, and consciousness about what I am doing with my every hour and why. There is a quote by Baha'u'llah, the founder of the Baha'i faith, that I love. It says: "All praise be unto God, Who hath revealed the law of obligatory prayer as a reminder to His servants, and enjoined on them the Fast that those possessed of means may become apprised of the woes and sufferings of the destitute." I find that experiencing hunger and thirst for 19 days is only one of the blessings of this special time....but it is an important one for me because it helps me to better understand and appreciate what so many in the world are experiencing on a daily basis -- many of them for most of their lives. In this sense it is all about interconnectedness, this fast. About recognizing that I am a human being just like any human being, and that hunger and thirst are universal problems in our world today, and ones that those of us who are fortunate to not experience every day cannot and should not just brush aside as inconsequential because we have been blessed with plenty. This time helps me to be more compassionate, more aware of what I do have, more grateful, and more connected to all of my brothers and sisters around the world, and how my choices, voice, and actions influence their lives, and their experiences, courage, faith, patience and ongoing suffering influence mine.

The blessings of sacrifice

Day 1 of the Baha'i fast ended tonight at sunset, and although I had an amazing prayer time at dawn this morning and an extremely productive day, I was, nevertheless, very ready to eat come sunset. I find that the first few days of the 19 day fast are really tough, and today was no exception. By late morning I already had a headache despite having a good breakfast and four large glasses of water before sunrise (which, come to think of it, may be why I had a headache...)

Tonight we had a devotional gathering at our home. The topic was the blessings of sacrifice. I recall that when the woman in our group who came up with that theme suggested it when we were coming up with monthly themes many months ago, I felt myself physically recoil for some reason. So I have to admit that I was not sure how tonight was going to go.

As it turned out, there were only four of us at the devotional tonight (which meant we were left with most of a pie and almost an entire quiche in the fridge, in a household with three people who are not eating during daylight hours for the next 18 days....someone please come raid our fridge!) and my mom came up with a wonderful program with readings that approached sacrifice from many different perspectives. She then led a discussion about instances that we could recall in which we sacrificed something in the short term that ended up resulting in unforeseen blessings further down the road. The discussion was an interesting one, and the other two participants said that they probably do make sacrifices on a regular basis, but that they do not feel that they are making sacrifices at the time that they are making the decision to either do or not do something. 

Given that what is most present in my mind and heart at the moment is the decision of whether moving back to PEI, whether it be for a year to house sit for a friend, or beyond, is the right thing for me right now, I started reflecting on my six years on PEI, and how tough those years were for me socially. I met many fantastic people who are lifelong friends, but I did not not have the close circle of friends that were close to me in age that I had grown accustomed to having before moving to PEI. I was very conscious of this the entire time I lived on PEI. It meant that in the evenings I was usually home reading a book or writing. Not being a drinker, the bar scene was not for me, and I just never really found a group of like-minded folks my own age. I did not really mind, but of course it meant that I spent a lot of time alone over the six years that I was living on the island. I enjoy alone time, but I also really love the company of friends. I am generally quite social. So learning to adjust to so much time alone was definitely a challenge for me -- one which I am not entirely sure I ever fully conquered. Living on PEI, I felt as though my social life was definitely an area in which I had to make sacrifices.

There were other things on PEI that I loved though. Things that made it all worthwhile for me. The beautiful beaches and natural areas that I could get to easily in short periods of time. The farmer's market, which I adored. The trail right across from my house that I ran on regularly. The close proximity to farmland that I could spend full days on planting, weeding or harvesting crops. The community of amazing people who shared things with me that I would never have learned if I had been limiting my social life to my peers. People who had the skills to build their own homes, haul their own firewood out of the forest and chop it up themselves, and grow their own food. I really valued being surrounded by such skilled people, and I hope that some of their do-it-yourself mentality rubbed off on me, because Prince Edward Islanders are definitely empowered people. I also valued that the bank clerks knew me by voice, so that when I would call in they knew who was speaking. The tiny yet huge details of a small town that are lost in a large city.

I have been thinking a lot about whether I might take one of my best friends up on her offer to house-sit for the year that she is away working in France. Part of me is jumping with joy at this offer. The part that misses the natural environment on PEI like crazy, and that still gets tears in her eyes when she talks about pretty much anyone in my closely-knit community. It is amazing to me that although it has been over a year since I left the island, I still think of everyone there as my community and family, and miss their presence in my life deeply every day. I guess that is what happens when you open yourself to a place completely. It comes rushing in, and becomes an integral part of who you are.

I am not at all settled in California. I am constantly looking for work elsewhere, and hoping that I will find work that will enable me to relocate to the Mediterranean or Central America. But over the last few months I have been working really hard at my writing, and I am finally starting to make some progress. This week I sent off three article pitches to magazines, and I am now writing tea descriptions for a tea company that, interestingly, is back on PEI. I am also in the process of talking to a friend about interviewing her for an article about a very interesting project she is working on in Mali (which I will share with you once it is done!) I have a large group of friends that I socialize with regularly here. I am loving my regular runs in the park near our house and my yoga practice, which helps keep me grounded. I am heading off to the Dominican Republic to build a gravity-fed drinking water system for cocoa farmers in a few weeks. And I am hoping to be able to spend a week or two in Portugal this summer. Things are definitely looking up.

So when I got the news that this spring may be one of my last chances to move back to PEI and re-establish myself before my visa expires late this summer, it is understandable that I would feel conflicted. I left PEI for a social life and to pursue my own writing career. Now both of these things are taking off, but I am missing my closely knit small rural community. There has to be a balance somewhere, it seems. I have just not found it yet.

So when we were talking about sacrifice tonight, I found it ironic that back on PEI I consciously sacrificed a more active social life in order to live in a beautiful, small, rural community; and now that I have the social life, by choosing to remain here, I am also choosing, at least for the time-being, to live in a big, noisy city in which I have to worry about personal safety, rarely get to see the stars, and do not even know the names of the couple that live next door. The topic of sacrifice was chosen because of the Fast, but it has much further reaching relevance to my life as a while right now.

It is getting late, and I have to be up at dawn, so had better turn in. I am heading to bed thinking about sacrifices. The ones I make. The ones I am not willing to make. The ones I was willing to make in the past, but am not entirely sure I am still willing to make today. Reflecting on sacrifice brings priorities and dreams in life bubbling to the surface. Priorities and dreams that I know I have to be true to, even if it means I have to make painful sacrifices.

What are your thoughts on sacrifice? Are there any sacrifices that you have made (perhaps without realizing it at the time) that have resulted in blessings in the long-term?

At 6.37am

the sun rises. Tomorrow morning I will rise before it, in darkness. I will have my breakfast in half light. Sip my tea bundled up warm in the kitchen, drawing my body gently out of its cocoon of sleep. I will sit and pray, and read from the Baha'i writings as the fiery red ball of the sun rises up over the city. In the Koran, dawn is defined as the moment that a white thread can be distinguished from a black thread with the naked eye. I will feel the warmth of first-light against my closed eye-lids and cheeks. I will hear birdcall. I will write in my journal by those delicate first rays of sun. Maybe I will practice yoga as I did this morning. Later the rain will come. I will have many hours to work on my writing and listen to the showers drumming on our rooftop. I will not be planting sunflowers with pre-schoolers tomorrow. The earth will be too heavy with water for tiny hands to be digging in it. That will have to wait 'til next week. I will have a quiet first day of fasting, with plenty of time to reflect on the question burning in my heart right now: should I move back to PEI for a year this April?

I love the Baha'i nineteen day fast. It is a time of re-gathering for me before I burst into springtime and then beyond that into my season -- summer. The last six years in Canada I loved waking at dawn to watch the sun rise over the snowy landscape. It would rise from the horizon and get caught in the shattered lattice of bare branches that were dipped in ice, clattering against each other in the wind. There is something pure about the sunrise anywhere on the planet, but a sun rising over a white, snowy landscape is truly magnificent. Every tiny ice crystal reflects the light, and it is dazzling.

Here there is no snow. The branches are blossoming. Hummingbirds buzz outside our kitchen window, feeding on nectar from the flowering bush outside.

For me the fast is a time for spiritual rejuvenation. I find that I spend more time praying. More time writing. More time taking long walks and listening to the sounds of nature. More time nestled into the hammock of silence. It is not a sad time. Much of it is actually very joyful. But I find myself feeling deeply pensive and reflective, and often wanting more time alone. I am really looking forward to this fast because it gives me a set period of time in which to concentrate on the questions in my heart and the yearnings of my soul.

Tomorrow evening we have a devotional gathering here at our home right after sunset. The topic of the devotional tomorrow night will be sacrifice. Our devotional gatherings always have themes, but this theme was chosen by one of the other women in the group. She chose it because for her this time of fasting symbolizes sacrifice of physical comfort. It is true that during the fast I become extremely aware of how much of my day normally revolves around eating and drinking. Living in an affluent society as I do, I do not go more than an hour or two without eating or drinking something, and much of my social life revolves around eating or drinking with friends, so I find myself withdrawing from many social activities during the fast because I am not eating, and it is rather challenging to be surrounded by the aromas of delicious food when I am not eating.

But not eating or drinking between the hours of sunrise and sunset is also a blessing because I am reminded, every time I feel hunger pangs, of my spiritual reality, and of the great blessing that this time of the year is providing me: time to immerse my soul in spiritually uplifting activities. I also find that I suddenly have SO MUCH FREE TIME on my hands without all that meal and snack preparation time! And there can be no tea-making procrastination sagas, so I suddenly become far more productive, although I do have to get my most concentrated work done in the first half of the day because my mind tends to get rather fuzzy by late afternoon!

It is getting late, and time to give my body rest before it has to be up again to eat. I hope that all of you who are fasting have a beautiful fast this year. And for those of you who are not, perhaps you could join me in paying more attention to your spiritual self over the next 19 days. The Baha'i new year is on the spring equinox (March 21st), which is a time of opening up to the world. Using these next 19 days as time to reflect on how you want to grow this spring might help to bring more attention to the quality of the life you are living, and the spiritual energy that you are putting into that growth. Here are a couple of quotes about fasting from the Baha'i writings:

"All praise be unto God, Who hath...enjoined on them the Fast that those possessed of means may become apprised of the woes and sufferings of the destitute." -Baha'u'llah

"Cling firmly to obligatory prayer and fasting. Verily, the religion of God is like unto heaven; fasting is its sun, and obligatory prayer is its moon. In truth, they are the pillars of religion..." -Baha'u'llah